Abandoned

(For the printer friendly, PDF version of this article, please click here)

Not long ago I was at the supermarket and a little girl wandered away from her parents. At the exact same time I was witnessing this, two store employees were watching as well and one quickly intercepted her seconds later. The father soon appeared and thanked the employee for catching his daughter. It was good to know that several adults were protecting, caring and watching out for the child. This brought to mind a big news story from a few years back.
 
In September 2005 a little girl, 4-year-old Valery Saavedra Lozada, was abandoned on the streets of New York. Her Mother’s boyfriend drove her to a deserted Queen’s street corner in the dark hours of a Sunday morning, took her out of the car and told little Valery to walk up to a house, knock on the door and ask for help. He then got back into the car and drove away, leaving her alone in the dark.
 
A woman, who lived on the street, heard her crying and rushed outside into the cold, dark morning. She found little Valery without any shoes or socks on and held the distraught child in her arms, trying to comfort her. Welfare workers were unable to find her parents and no one had reported Valery missing either. Valery was finally interviewed on TV in the hopes that someone would come forward with information about her.
 
Wide-eyed, curious and chatty, Valery was so adorable that news of her plight captured people’s hearts across the country. A distant relative soon contacted authorities. It turned out that Valery’s Mother was an immigrant from Bolivia. She had been living in Queens with Valery and a man named Cesar Ascarrunz. He confessed and was later sentenced to 30 years in jail for killing Valery’s mother after her body was found in a Pennsylvania landfill. Valery then lived with her Aunt in Chicago for two years. This heartbreaking story ended with Valery finally being taken to Bolivia in 2007 after her Bolivian Grandmother had obtained legal custody.
 
Have you ever felt abandoned? Have you ever been rejected, dumped, or separated from those you love? Abandonment is not a good feeling. No one likes to feel deserted or forsaken, thrust into overwhelming helplessness, vulnerability, and weakness.
 
Abandonment can come in many forms; relationships that end when people leave you, goals and dreams that go unfulfilled or disappoint you, finances that evaporate, a job that is taken away, or plans that suddenly change for the worse. Sometimes our belief in ourselves fails or God seems to turn away at our moment of need. Worldwide many children are abandoned and the elderly can be warehoused, hidden away in nursing homes. It has also been reported that soldiers fighting in Iraq these days feel abandoned by the United States. If the planet Earth could speak, perhaps it too would express a feeling of being abandoned as we unconsciously create environmental havoc.
 
All of this creates a sickness which many people in our culture have – Abandoholism. This is, in part, an addiction to attracting people who reject or do not value us. It also can cause us to reject others when we feel that they no longer have anything of value to give us or become a burden. The overall sensibility of abandoholism is that people are treated like objects and thrown out in our mass consumer society. To deal with the pain of the many varieties of abandonment people endlessly watch TV, smoke, drink, do drugs, rush into or out of relationships, distract themselves, or just give up on life. Here are some suggestions on how to deal with abandonment.
 

1. Are We Ever Alone?

When I was seven years old my stepfather took me to a business meeting. It was an hour-long trip to get to the factory and I fell asleep in the backseat of the car. When I awoke I found myself all alone with the car doors locked, in a neighborhood that I didn’t recognize. I quickly panicked when my Stepfather was nowhere to be seen. As I went through all sorts of emotions; fear, anxiety, anger and confusion, I began to hysterically cry. Then I decided to get out of the car and yell out loud for my Stepfather. When no response came, I loudly slammed the car door shut. People passed by, but did nothing to help. Finally, I got back into the car, locked all the doors and curled up into a protective ball. When My Stepfather did appear, I was furious. He calmly explained that he did not want to wake me up. He had been in the building right next to the car. The truth was that I was always safe; he was there - I just could not see him.
 
Just because we cannot always see the people who love us, the resources at our disposal, or the benevolence of the universe, does not mean that it is not there. When you have been abandoned in some way, suffered a loss, like your home being destroyed in a natural disaster, or are unsure of your future, it can help to remember that benevolent forces and resources are present. You may not see them, but if you can muster the faith and trust to believe in them, they will be revealed to you.
 

2. Ask and Seek

To move beyond the constraints of abandonment requires action. There are questions to ask ourselves and solutions to seek. A good question to ask is, “What have I really lost?” It is very important to honor the life cycles of creation and destruction, of gain and loss, when things come in and then go out of our lives. Instead of feeling loss, we can simply reframe it as a life change. Change is a constant and when it occurs we are invited to change as well. Sometimes things are taken away to allow new things to come in. We each only have so much space and energy in our lives; change requires flow, flexibility and space.
 
When you feel abandoned, ask for what you want and then seek the support in getting it. Be open to that support from many sources. Be honest about your feelings of loss and pain; it is natural to react this way when you feel something that you value has been taken away from you. Even the feelings of being lost and alone can be experienced and transcended if we are honest with ourselves. What is taken away can be replaced in some way. That space can be filled, even if it is just with your own love for yourself.
 

3. How can we create a Culture of Acceptance?

In the industrial age humanity learned about mass production, machines and industrialization. Natural resources and people were used for profit at a rapid rate. We now live in the information age where ideas are quickly consumed and then discarded. Daily life is now such a speedy blur that people can lose their appreciation, love and compassion for others as we now control, direct and harness information at an astonishing rate. Have you ever seen a sad news story on-line and just clicked away from it as if the suffering of others was unreal? In this fluid, highly changeable society, speed can be more valued than comprehension, and what was important one day can become obsolete the next minute. It can be very confusing and divisive living in the Information age fast lane.
 
Perhaps this is a time where we need to slow down and strive for inclusiveness and acceptance. We can do this collectively by each of us embracing and acknowledging the value of every person, no matter their age, race, sex, or belief system. It is important to see the Divine essence in all, and in this way treat each other with love and respect. If you do not discard other people, then that presents an alternative approach that other people can see. The beginning point is valuing yourself - no matter what. Others may abandon you. Don’t abandon yourself.
 

© Egan Sanders, 2008

Want to read more articles about practical spiritual techniques that create joy?

Sign up for my monthly Path of Joy newsletter and receive my free 15 page report, “25 Ways to Clear Blockages to Well-Being” by filling in your name and email at the top right corner of this page.